My Thoughts

Today I write. Today I am just going to put my feelings down, everything that is jumbled up in my head that I want to get down. I will resume my normal blog stories soon, but today, I don’t want to talk about him. For today, I want to document the things that are important to me in this moment. I have a million small stories in my head, so I’m going to list a few of them here. Each paragraph will be a different story. I hope it’s not too convoluted, but I need to get this all down on “paper” so to speak.

1. Carly and Asher played together last night. I mean they really played. They giggled and laid in the floor together, they chased one another, Carly pushed him on this dumb little worm car ( I should have never bought the thing- no kid can operate it, so an adult MUST push it, and the wheels don’t turn and it’s just awkward and I hate it) – nonetheless, Carly and Asher genuinely hung out like brother and sister last night. They even fought over a pillow, in a silly way. Tug-of-war style. It was just so much fun to watch them. Asher wanted to do just what Carly was doing, if she stomped her feet he would too, if she laid down in the floor, he had to be right next to her, with his own matching blanket.

Carly and Asher being twins.    

 

2. I am in my Junior year of college, doing all online classes now, because there is no time for anything else. This semester I am taking Precalculus and U.S. History. Last night, as I was studying for today’s first History test, Carly called me in, she needed help with her Algebra, and y’all, I was able to help her. It was amazing. I told her, “God must have known you’d need some help and he was getting me ready to help you by putting me in math this semester!” And she responded with,” You know, I’ve been listening to a lot of Christian music lately, I just love it. It’s so uplifting.” I know it doesn’t seem huge, but it’s nice to know that my girl is making the decision to listen to Godly music. There are a lot of choices out there, a lot of decisions for our teens to make, and she’s making pretty good ones. I am so proud of her. And then, y’all, I got a GENUINE thank you from her for the math help before I went to do my own studying. Life’s struggles are totally worth it for my girl.

3. I was reading a story last night about a man that raped his infant son. It was local to the state of Alabama, where I live. He tore the lining under the babies’ tongue, he broke his legs, his ribs, and other atrocities that couldn’t even be mentioned in the article. I cried myself to sleep.I can’t begin to fathom the life that poor baby has lived. His life has probably never known trust, calm, love, or peace. My heart breaks. I weep for him, even now. I decided I needed to check in on my smallest kiddo, and was fully prepared to take him back to bed with me if I woke him up. I kind of hoped he would wake up. But, when I crept into Asher’s room, he had his arm around his stuffed pony that he sleeps with. He was sleeping and quite content. He has never known distrust, he has never known real and actual hurt from a loved one, he will never know it from me, and I will do my best to protect him from those that would choose to do so. He lights up when I get home from work and holds onto me until he is forced to let go again the next day. He has renewed my sense of beauty in the world, but he has also renewed my fear of it. There is so much that could go wrong at any time, to either of my sweet babies. We as parents pray it will never happen but that never means we are safe from the evil that lives around us.

4. Speaking of evil in the world, I want to foster. I want to one day adopt. You guys will have noticed there is a trend in my stories. They are centered around my children. Children are my heart. They always have been. I saw a meme yesterday that someone shared, and it was a woman in a video. Her name is Lisa Bevere. She said, “The attacks on your life have much more to do with who you might be in the future than who you have been in the past. The enemy fears you becoming who God has made you to be.” This could relate to me, but I think it relates more to the kids in the foster care system. Look at their lives. Did they ever have a chance? If good people would step up, of course they would. Satan fears them. He doesn’t want them to become great men for God. But as Christian people, if we would step up and do our part to break the cycle of abuse, the cycle of evil, then the world truly would be a better place. I want to be that person. Last year was my attempt to get my own life back in order. I am still working on that even now, but I am light years ahead of where I was last year in terms of mental attitude, financial dependence, and a determined spirit. I have a plan. I work on it and tweak it daily. But my big picture goal is to one day take in at least one foster child. It may be next year, or even in a few years, but I am working on it, and letting God handle the timing. This is my goal, powered by God, and I will not be deterred. And as I was writing this, a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she adopted her son today. She has not been able to share his bright and amazing face for 6 months. Today, she floods Facebook with his existence and it renews my hope once again. This. Can. Happen.    This. WILL. Happen. If you’re reading this and you pray, please pray for my continued guidance to bring children to me that need me. Scratch that, that need Him. I need Him. I fail daily. I know that. Pray for my continued growth as well.

5. I have so much to do and so little time to do it in. I am taking a personal day next Monday to get it all done, and I still don’t think I’ll have time to get everything done. Dentist appointment for cleaning (and a filling), meeting with my lawyer,  meeting with St Paul’s preschool, I have an appointment at Apple to get my phone looked at, I have a meeting at the Health Department, I have to go grocery shopping.. I have… not enough hours in the day!!! Whew, good thing I bought that new handy dandy planner. We’ll see if I can get it all done!

6. I am in the process of trying to decide what is best financially for me regarding my home. Currently I have some really nice folks renting the house out from me. Their lease is up at the end of July, and I am trying to make some decisions. I have a few options:

1. Sell my house and live with my parents for another year, paying them rent (which I already do). Upside: I will be able to save a lot of money. Downside: Close quarters makes for trying times.
2. Sell my house and purchase another home in Hartselle, which is where Carly goes to school. Currently I pay tuition for her to attend there each year. I’ve spent about $4000 on her in her lifetime on her school tuition alone. -Upside: I won’t have to pay tuition anymore, I will own a new home, in the city I’ve wanted to live in for a long time. It will be a breeze getting Carly to school every morning. Downside: I won’t have as much money to put back in savings each month. Especially if I buy the priced house I want, because once I move, I don’t want to have to move again, at least not for a long time.
3. Stay in my house for the next year, bide my time, save up some more money, and move in another year or two. – Downside: I have been doing option 3 for ten years, saying I’ll sell, then finding some reason to back out, and then never selling and never getting to move. Anyone have any sound advice?

 

Okay, this concludes Lori’s random thought process blog for today. Stay tuned! 🙂 Love you all.

 

Lori

Finding a Place of Our Own- My Story Part 7

*Note- I have learned how to add pictures to my posts- and I think it will really add something to them. I will be going back to my earlier blogs over the next week to add other pictures- of me as a teenager, of our first born Hailey, etc. so if you’d like to feel the feels again, check back on those earlier blog posts!*

Carly was perfection. She was squishy and pink and gorgeous. She was a great baby- breastfed well, slept well (through the night at three months old!) and was just the biggest blessing I could have ever hoped for.

Carly Joy at 4 weeks old.

She was the light of my life, the best thing I had ever experienced, and I loved (and still love) being her mommy. My parents taught me how to raise Carly, when to take her to the doctor and when to just give her Tylenol, when to give her baths (doesn’t have to be every night when she’s a newborn!) and when to start brushing her gums, when to start feeding her solid foods, how to comfort her, how to change her diaper, how to clip her little nails, there is SO much that goes into being a mommy and/or daddy that people don’t even think about. The sleepless nights, the exhaustion, especially when you are doing it on your own. It was necessary time at home for me to truly understand how to actually be a mom, even though I loved this little angel with all I had, but I just wasn’t sure, as most new moms must think, how to do it right.

After a few years though, it was time to start thinking of moving on to our own home together, just Carly and myself. Now, during this time, because I know you’re wondering, Chris was not really in Carly’s life all that much. He would come in and out of our lives, whenever he’d feel the need to come by. We even took a family photo when Carly was around six months old.

Chris’s 2003 lemon-juice died hair, and my first “mom” hair cut.

Isn’t she beautiful? Look at that amazing little thing we made. I still have to laugh and smile and cry all at once looking at her sweetness. She is awesome.

Back on point, Chris was only around at times when it was convenient for him to be. He loved his daughter, and I would dare say he loved me, but he had given in to drugs, and had let it take him over. He did not pay child support, or help us in any way. He lived his life of partying, doing drugs, and occasionally coming by to check on Carly for the first year or so. Life was not about him any longer anyway, it was about Carly. So on with life we went.

Carly and I went to the park, we had adventure days, we read books every night, I tucked her sweet tail into bed every night (okay, sometimes she snuggled up and we slept in the same bed). Life was good at mom and dads.

My mom holding Carly, her first smile we were able to get a picture of. 

I eventually had to get a job and did so when Carly was about six months old. My mother helped get me a position at her dental office, helping file paperwork and do data entry. It was my first real job in the actual job market. We celebrated Christmas at my parents, then had Carly’s first birthday on January 8th, 2004. We had a second party at Chris’s families’ house, and their entire family celebrated with us. Carly’s Aunt Amy made Carly a beautiful bear shaped birthday cake, and Carly took her first steps by herself ON her birthday! It was an awesome first year.

Carly’s first birthday at my parent’s house, eating her birthday cake.

It’s a natural thing to want to move out and become and adult, but an entirely different thing when you have a daughter and you still feel like a child. Little did I know, I still actually was a child, but you couldn’t have told me that.We lived with my parents  until Carly was about 18 months old, then I decided I was old enough to start living on my own. My first try at living alone was in an apartment complex behind a church in Decatur, I want to say they only charged me around $700 for the entire six months that we lived there. Looking back, that’s insane and awesome. Thank you Calvary Assembly, for giving us that blessing. We had a roommate, Carly called her “Kappie” and boy she loved her Kappie- you know who you are!! She is one of the sweetest, most Godly women I have ever met in my life. And it’s true that the company you keep is what you will reflect. While staying with Kappie my life became centered once again around church and God. She doesn’t really know the impact she’s had on my life, because those six months I felt closer to God than I think I ever have. I woke up and worshiped, prayed, and read my Bible. I learned to love Carly in an entirely new light. And yes, Kappie, I apologize now, I was absolutely the messiest housekeeper (not that you could even have called me that) you’d ever run across. I am naturally a more messy person, they do say we are smarter, you know. But, if she reads these blogs, she’ll attest to the fact that I was actually kind of gross. I don’t even want to discuss that time I left the dishes in the sink that one time you were away for a few days….. YUCK. I had never lived on my own, and really wasn’t accustomed to picking up after myself, or doing anything really. I was a kid with a full time job and a child, and used that as an excuse to be lazy. I am so sorry, girl, for putting you through that. I have since gotten MUCH better. Although my mother may not agree (she’s a bit of a clean freak, I can still leave the dishes in the sink until the morning and it doesn’t bother me). Sorry to you as well, mom… but I am much more organized and less lazy than I used to be….maybe?

In our short-lived but well-loved apartment.

So after that small grasp of freedom, we moved back in with mom and dad for a while longer. I really couldn’t afford anything else at the time, and my job as a barista wasn’t really going to allow me to pay any rent anywhere. So we moved back home. I had a few different jobs, I was a shampoo assistant at a salon in downtown Decatur for a couple years, and it was while working there that I decided I just could not live at home any longer.

I need to mention that at this point, Carly was going to her grandparent’s house every other weekend to visit them, and if Chris happened to be there, so be it. If he wasn’t, that was fine too, at least she got to visit with her grandparents and various other cousins and family. I also need to mention that at this point, when Carly was around 18 months to 2 years old, that’s when I started dating again, and pretty heavily, I’m ashamed to admit. Because I had two weekends a month now to be an “adult” without having Carly with me, I was again looking for love.  I wanted a father figure for Carly, someone to be there for us, someone to love me. I wasn’t confident in who I was as a person, and I suppose a lot of that comes with age and maturity, and so even though I dated some really amazing guys (and some not so amazing) over the years, I never truly appreciated them. Even with all I had gone through, Chris was still the one in my head, as idiotic as that sounds. I could break up with the most amazing guy, and not really feel much of anything. Chris tugged at my heart. I think a lot of it was that we had been through so much together, and another part of it was my dumb childish brain wanting the drama which I misinterpreted as passion. Good guys can be considered “boring” can’t they? Boy do I wish I could have appreciated the boring. I look back at how crazy my thought process was, how I couldn’t be confident in myself, and therefore be confident in a healthy relationship. Perhaps it just wasn’t the right time, or who really knows. There are a lot of stories I could put in here about each of them, some of them not so great, most of them just fine people, and a couple of them were really extraordinary guys, men I couldn’t see the potential in because I was just young and selfish. There isn’t much more to say about this, except that I do regret not taking some time when Carly was younger to truly find myself as a person, and just enjoy being her mom, and I regret treating some of the guys I dated the way that I did. I’m sure at some point I’ll have a few blogs and funny/sad/memorable stories about some of these, but for now- suffice it to say, I dated a lot.

In 2006 I decided that it was time to move out of my parents’ home, and I was going to move in with my best friend at the time and rent a place, but dad said it was senseless to pay rent when you could get a house for much cheaper and actually own it. So, after the very first house we looked at, I bought it, and dad co-signed with me. In October of 2006 I bought my home. The yard was huge, there was a pear tree out back. 1600 square feet of MINE. I was 21 years old. Carly was almost 4 when we signed for it. We had our very own 3 bedroom, 1 bath sanctuary. It was heaven.

Carly in our new home. 

We painted rooms, my dad fixed a lot of the house up on his own dime, all to help us create the life that we wanted. The A/C was busted up by some hoodlums before we could move in, so dad bought me an entirely new unit and installed it himself- that’s right- himself, because he’s amazing. The bathroom had to be gutted and completely redone, including floors that had rotted in. Dad purchased me all new cabinets, and tile for the floors- he even replaced a paneled room into sheet rocked walls. He did so much work for us, I owe my dad so much for helping us get started out in life. We have laughed, cried, had pets, had friends, family and neighbors over to that house. It’s been a great home to raise my baby girl in.

So the years passed, we enjoyed our friends, pets, family and our home. Chris would come again in and out of Carly’s life as he deemed fit. Sometimes he would show up, other times he would not be seen for days at a time by anyone. He would go to rehabs, get clean, then fall off the wagon again. His parents would help me out monetarily sometimes when I asked, but mostly I didn’t ask. I was strangely okay with our arrangement for the most part, because Carly got to see her dad at her grandparents house, I didn’t have to see him all that often, and life was pretty normal. He would even bring his girlfriends around sometimes, and I would bring mine around too…. Until January of 2014, and Chris had been clean for the last two years, as he put it. I decided since he did seem completely normal again, that he could be a normal part of our lives again. We could co-parent again, we could be together with Carly as much as possible and give her a normal childhood. That’s when I invited Chris to come help with Carly’s 11th birthday party….and things took a different turn.